The rings around my eyes feel like they may soon become permanent. My head never stops thinking no matter how hard I try to stop it and when it finally does the nightmares keep me awake for the rest of the night. I'm not capable of sleeping alone without the comfort of someone else next to me. I absolutely hate the feeling of being alone and hopeless. I've resorted to self-medicating so that I can keep myself alive in at least one way.

In order to live, you can't be afraid to die, and right now I'm not afraid to die for the first time in my life.

Everything we have ever had was just barriers that kept us from breaking through and figuring out the truth. All we were doing was delaying something that would get to us eventually. We prevented each other from living a normal life because we were too afraid to just let go for awhile.

In the story "Once upon a time..." they made it happen, made them live happily ever after. Give me the key that will make me live forever, happily ever after outside of a fairytale because I'm just dying to feel.

I wish I could say that my reason for lack of updates was because I haven't had time but I can't. I'm falling back into to bad habits which I though I was done with. This always happens no matter how hard I try to stop myself. In the last week I have had a total of 6 hours of sleep and it's killing me. Everything is just falling in this downwards spiral that feels like it is never ending.

I need to find a new habit that won't but me in a hospital bed(or a mental hospital)

I hate that sometimes I will get so frustrated with myself that I sit and pull at my hair and punch anything in reach until something is bleeding or I'm puking. I hate that even if I am sweating to death I can't sleep without being covered with blankets. I hate that I talk while I sleep. I hate that sometimes I think about how amazing the rush of jumping off a building/bridge would feel like. I hate not being able to sleep when I want to at night. I hate that I can't stop thinking about you even though I am fully aware that there is no chance with you. I hate the feeling of knowing I will be graduating high school in less than two years and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I hate knowing that one day I am going to need to grow up.

I listen to the same songs on repeat and wish on the same stars(wishing on the same people) even though I know it won't change anything, it will only make me feel better about everything. Love is just another word that doesn't mean anything and at this point isn't even real to me. I hate the thought of being attached to someone or something for life but right now I wish I was even if it is just for the comfort of knowing I'm not alone.

Whispers and quick glances are what this (disaster)town is made up of. We can all keep telling each other lies even though we all know the only reason we do this is to make it all feel alright. Fuck metaphors they're just another way of delaying another pointless story. They all consist of the same thing: a hopeless girl and a stupid lush. She'll do whatever it takes to get him to notice her but deep down she knows he'll never notice her, no matter what. True fucking love is just another lie to make everyone feel alright, feel hopeful.