I can't stand being around myself anymore. I don't understand why anyone
would want to be around me if they didn't have to. I just wish I could
be someone else for a day just so I could say I've been happy once.

I want someone that honestly understands me. Someone who just wants to
sit and talk with me about life. Just to lay in bed all day and hold me
so I don't need to spend my nights crying anymore alone.

Also...rip casey calvert<33
You'll be missed. The good die young<3

I seriously hate not being able to sleep when I want to. I'm so tired
but so awake. My painkillers aren't workking and they're making the
insomnia worse.

On wednesday I went 5 1/2 hours down to iowa to see fall out boy. Had
early entry and meet and greet andthose are always fun. During cute is
what we aim for I broke 2 ribs and had some dude carry me over to
security, so life hasn't beeen so wonderful since then. I pretty much
killed my sidekick in that pit but whatever. By fall out boy I was 2nd
row on peters side next to 4673892 screaming 10yr old girls. Fucking
ridiculous. It was the wierdest fall out boy show ever, everything was
so different.

Today I worked an 8hr shift and fucking working black friday was a bitch
and working with broken ribs doesn't make it any easier. I work tomorrow
nad sunday for a total of 16 hours. I'm so fucking dead.

Oh and fuck you bank for not depositing my paycheck into my bank account
when I fucking need it. Whatever worst week ever now I'm going to get
back to watching my jonas brother bio show ahah.s
--Sent via Sidekick from T-Mobile

'I'm sick of my life and drowning in my own head' sort of tired.

So basically I'm in need of a new job and extra cash. My job now is so
shitty and most of the people are dicks. My sidekick is actign up again,
I think I'm just going to upgrade to an lx soon. Haha I'm at petco and I
seriously want a new pet. Either a ferret or a chinchila(however you
spell it)

--heyjennet<3

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. i dont know why this always happens i finally fall asleep and almost immediately after i get woken up by the same nightmares. i want them to leave me alone.

why can't i just get over him. its seriously fucking killing me.

Every word has been written, every thought has been expressed.
If you understood me it just might make sense.
Don't try and save me, giving up is so much easier. And if you have tried, thank you for actually noticing the girl dying inside.

Is this worth everything I have to put with? I really doubt it. I hope one day these people know they are the reason I do this to myself and I hope it fucking hurts as bad as it does for me. Fact: Old habits never die. I've never felt more alive.

I am fully aware that what I do is horrible and I am not asking for sympathy but it is the only thing that makes me feel alive.

Promise me you will never let me believe you even if it hurts me.

This is life, hold on tight.

The rings around my eyes feel like they may soon become permanent. My head never stops thinking no matter how hard I try to stop it and when it finally does the nightmares keep me awake for the rest of the night. I'm not capable of sleeping alone without the comfort of someone else next to me. I absolutely hate the feeling of being alone and hopeless. I've resorted to self-medicating so that I can keep myself alive in at least one way.

In order to live, you can't be afraid to die, and right now I'm not afraid to die for the first time in my life.

Everything we have ever had was just barriers that kept us from breaking through and figuring out the truth. All we were doing was delaying something that would get to us eventually. We prevented each other from living a normal life because we were too afraid to just let go for awhile.

In the story "Once upon a time..." they made it happen, made them live happily ever after. Give me the key that will make me live forever, happily ever after outside of a fairytale because I'm just dying to feel.

I wish I could say that my reason for lack of updates was because I haven't had time but I can't. I'm falling back into to bad habits which I though I was done with. This always happens no matter how hard I try to stop myself. In the last week I have had a total of 6 hours of sleep and it's killing me. Everything is just falling in this downwards spiral that feels like it is never ending.

I need to find a new habit that won't but me in a hospital bed(or a mental hospital)

I hate that sometimes I will get so frustrated with myself that I sit and pull at my hair and punch anything in reach until something is bleeding or I'm puking. I hate that even if I am sweating to death I can't sleep without being covered with blankets. I hate that I talk while I sleep. I hate that sometimes I think about how amazing the rush of jumping off a building/bridge would feel like. I hate not being able to sleep when I want to at night. I hate that I can't stop thinking about you even though I am fully aware that there is no chance with you. I hate the feeling of knowing I will be graduating high school in less than two years and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I hate knowing that one day I am going to need to grow up.

I listen to the same songs on repeat and wish on the same stars(wishing on the same people) even though I know it won't change anything, it will only make me feel better about everything. Love is just another word that doesn't mean anything and at this point isn't even real to me. I hate the thought of being attached to someone or something for life but right now I wish I was even if it is just for the comfort of knowing I'm not alone.

Whispers and quick glances are what this (disaster)town is made up of. We can all keep telling each other lies even though we all know the only reason we do this is to make it all feel alright. Fuck metaphors they're just another way of delaying another pointless story. They all consist of the same thing: a hopeless girl and a stupid lush. She'll do whatever it takes to get him to notice her but deep down she knows he'll never notice her, no matter what. True fucking love is just another lie to make everyone feel alright, feel hopeful.

Why do people make promises when they are just dying to be broken? Why do people tell lies when they know all they do is hurt people? Promises and lies are the same thing.

fuck everything.
real update when I'm actually here.

No one notices me down here so please don't try and pull me back. I've been here so many times alone before, I think I can deal this one last time. I'm shaking from those unshed tears, those secret fears and the weight of every mistake I made. The problem is repeating itself and I just can't make it stop. Nothing went as planned. My words are chances you dare to take until you realize they're just bullets to your heart. I have good intentions in a world inside the night sky.

I have nothing left to say.

I can feel your heartbeat stop as you gasp for one last breath. My aim in here is completely off key. You slip farther away, ending what we believed to be a never ending story. Envying you as you die a tale. You can write the same story again but I'll still be a written tragedy.

I really wish I had the ability to just spit out those words as easy as you it takes so much just to write down those few words that everyone will think is "simply amazing" when to me its basically just something I'd crumple up and thrown into the garbage can playing one-on-one
me and you. the failure and the invincible, the two most deadly combinations that just somehow fit like puzzle pieces in the most gorgeous puzzle ever. people looks at us like we are completely insane. they whisper to each other about how we won't last long, we walk by laughing and smiling at each other and then we stop at an abandoned store. look at our reflections in the broken glass windows, take quick glances at each other and realize we are each others biggest mistakes. all these strange feelings running through our bodies. I jump backwards and run as fast as possible away from the future, there's no turning back now I'm to afraid to make a move.