I hate that sometimes I will get so frustrated with myself that I sit and pull at my hair and punch anything in reach until something is bleeding or I'm puking. I hate that even if I am sweating to death I can't sleep without being covered with blankets. I hate that I talk while I sleep. I hate that sometimes I think about how amazing the rush of jumping off a building/bridge would feel like. I hate not being able to sleep when I want to at night. I hate that I can't stop thinking about you even though I am fully aware that there is no chance with you. I hate the feeling of knowing I will be graduating high school in less than two years and I have no idea what I'm going to do. I hate knowing that one day I am going to need to grow up.

I listen to the same songs on repeat and wish on the same stars(wishing on the same people) even though I know it won't change anything, it will only make me feel better about everything. Love is just another word that doesn't mean anything and at this point isn't even real to me. I hate the thought of being attached to someone or something for life but right now I wish I was even if it is just for the comfort of knowing I'm not alone.

Whispers and quick glances are what this (disaster)town is made up of. We can all keep telling each other lies even though we all know the only reason we do this is to make it all feel alright. Fuck metaphors they're just another way of delaying another pointless story. They all consist of the same thing: a hopeless girl and a stupid lush. She'll do whatever it takes to get him to notice her but deep down she knows he'll never notice her, no matter what. True fucking love is just another lie to make everyone feel alright, feel hopeful.

Why do people make promises when they are just dying to be broken? Why do people tell lies when they know all they do is hurt people? Promises and lies are the same thing.

fuck everything.
real update when I'm actually here.

No one notices me down here so please don't try and pull me back. I've been here so many times alone before, I think I can deal this one last time. I'm shaking from those unshed tears, those secret fears and the weight of every mistake I made. The problem is repeating itself and I just can't make it stop. Nothing went as planned. My words are chances you dare to take until you realize they're just bullets to your heart. I have good intentions in a world inside the night sky.

I have nothing left to say.